I’m Not Lovin It 

by Will Forrester


I had been coming to see Dr. Ranicki for at least several weeks before my eyes happened to glance over at the shelf across from the reception area. I had to do a little double take when I realized there was a real McDonald’s hamburger and fries sitting OUT. On a plate. Most people don’t leave uneaten food displayed as a decoration on a shelf in a reception area. Then I noticed the sign. 

Dr. Ranicki saw me staring at the hamburger. I couldn’t help but gawk. I mean, it was a little dry, but it looked EXACTLY like what I had ordered so many times in my life. All somebody needed to do was say a blessing and we could eat. Okay, full disclosure, I generally ordered the Quarter Pounder or the Big Mac, but you get the idea. This food had not changed. And at the time it was well over a year. 

That’s when I noticed Dr. Ranicki standing beside me. I think I said, “Is this for real? I can’t believe it!” I’ll never forget his words. “Yeah, you know we don’t have a bug problem down here. Bugs will not eat this. And mold will not eat it. But you will.” 

If I’m not mistaken a flurry of thoughts began to crowd my mind, the first one being, how is it that bugs and mold have more sense about their diet than humans do? Don’t we believe in progress or evolution or survival of the fittest or something? How could my species have sunk so low? Surely we have not become dumber than bugs and mold! 

If you don’t believe it, try the experiment for yourself. You can probably pick most any food chain in America. Even better, as a control sample use some organic beef to make your own hamburger and make some homemade bread without preservatives. I imagine within a week or two you won’t be able to walk in the room. Because real food is supposed to decompose. Real food is attractive to bugs and mold and such. 

Which leads to the major questionIf what we are eating is not decomposing, is it really food? And if it’s not food, then what exactly are we eating?



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